It really doesn’t help when strangers deliver stinging comments like “Can’t you control your child?” or “Can’t you hear your child screaming?” while you are otherwise engaged in simultaneously 1) figuring out what’s causing him to scream/misbehave 2) avoiding injury to yourself, the environment and your offspring and 3) trying to calm down the noisy little one. One way I’ve found to nip the comments of others in the bud is to develop a short-list of ready-made responses.
Snappy Comebacks to “Can’t you hear (control) your screaming child?”
1. “My child is on the autism spectrum. It is a complicated disease, and my son cannot help the way he is acting.” Mature and sensible, this approach works when you have a few minutes to spare for follow-up dialogue, which means you will rarely ever use it. Please see below for alternatives.
2. “I’m deaf.” My friend Ashley uses this one all the time to cut off these rude strangers at the pass. I never had the courage to use it.
3.“There are forces in play here that you cannot possibly understand.” I have been dying to try this one accompanied by a sinister waggling of my eyebrows, but haven’t been daring enough to do so.
4. “Sorry, I can’t talk now; my child is having a meltdown.” Brief and to the point, yet polite. It is a favorite among all of the moms we’ve talked to.
5-6. “He’s really hungry.” Wimpy, but it works. The only problem is that you have to somehow scoop the child up and take him somewhere where there is presumably food. In essence, you are cutting short your activity and making up excuses to accommodate the judgment of others. Alternatives such as, “she’s really tired” also work well, but are equally cowardly. I used these frequently before receiving Connor’s diagnosis. I have become much more assertive since then.
7. Yes, but I choose not to. I’m letting him work it out on his own. Thank you for thinking of us, and I apologize for disturbing you.” A polite way of saying mind-your-own-business, but also verifying that you have a reason for what you’re doing. It also protects the child by not using autism as an excuse, if you have not yet told your child about his autism diagnosis.
8. If I have the time, I try patiently to explain, but the problem with this approach is that I won’t be heard over the din of screaming and flying objects, even if I am prepared to be pithy. The Autism Speaks Organization has a button that you can order online to say, “I’m Not Misbehaving. I have Autism,” but I have a hard time asking my son to wear one all the time, especially since his meltdowns are now few and far between, and I know that he values his privacy.
9. Ignore them.This takes more self-discipline than I have.
10. And finally, I try to remember that many people still just don’t understand autism. I try not to be too hard on them.
Tags: autism parenting, meltdowns
My friend Jennyalice (a.k.a. Jennifer Byde Myers) uses my favorite line: “Thank you *so* much for your concern!” You can say it as sarcastically as you like, but people generally think you’re accommodating them.
I’m with the “Sorry, I can’t talk now; my child is having a meltdown.” crowd. Although if my son really is having a meltdown, it’s not safe for me to divert my attention from him. The most I can usually spare is an unapologetic eye-lock. Because who would choose to make their child so upset or disturb strangers, honestly?
not exactly a comeback but interesting. My friend works in a shop. My son was having a meltdown. Someone critisised us but i didn’t hear. Friend asked lady what she thought was wrong with him. Nothing was the reply. Then don’t judge when you don’t know the facts was her answer.
Great comments, friends.
Here are few more from Twitter buddy a49ersfangirl:
– If someone says….”If that were my kid, he wouldn’t act like that,” her favorite answer is “REALLY? HAVE YOU FOUND A CURE FOR AUTISM I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?”
- When one lady pointed out that “Her kids would never act like that in public”, the father asked her if she had any kids that lived.
- and her son simply says, “Excuse me. I have autism.”
Really too funny in a sort of “shake your head people are clueless” sort of way.
I like what I saw on a T-shirt once:
“My child has autism… what’s your excuse for acting like that?”
“I can’t control my child with autism any more than I can control YOU.”
I also like “I have to go; my child needs me.”
My favorite one that actually works and shuts people down right away is: “He has autism, are you an expert in autism? Can you tell me what to do for him?” Putting the rude ones on the defensive is a great way to shut them up fast. They are so stunned and trying to figure up what to say to me, that I have 60 seconds to scoop up my son and make a clean getaway. Has worked every time.
i really likes these. I might use some.
cause ppl can be rude.