My husband and I have been trying to engage our son in Cub Scouts for the past two years. Sometimes we think we are making progress, and other times, like today, we ask ourselves What were we thinking? Everyone involved with the den – the scoutmaster, his wife (a parent educator), the scouts and the other parents have bent over backward to support us, so we continue to have high hopes that Connor will find a place to develop friendships with peers.
This afternoon’s festivities were supposed to include a ceremony whereby our son and the other scouts were to graduate to Bear Cub status. Connor had finished his requirements ages ago, and we planned carefully to ensure that the event would be successful. We decided to arrive a little later to avoid the pre-ceremony commotion that always precedes a Pack meeting. We gave Connor advanced notice of how the ceremony would be followed by a picnic and then a hayride, and we also agreed to allow him to take off his scouting uniform and replace it with his customary pull-on pants and tag-less, button-less shirt, immediately after the ceremony was finished.
Perhaps it was the garage sale the day before, or perhaps unstructured activity just isn’t in the stars right now, but for whatever the reason, Connor took one look at the picnic area and another look at the playground where other scouts were playing noisily on a life-sized pirate ship, and decided to go home. NOW. And so back home we went.
We’ve left the scene hundreds of times before, forestalling many other social outings that were supposed to be fun, but for Connor, were torture. Still, I really thought he was ready for this one. And I blamed myself, Should we have arrived earlier rather than later? Timing is so important for these things. Should I have forced Connor to stay and accept responsibility? Perhaps I should’ve signed him up for that social skills course last summer, instead of waiting for next summer as planned. Maybe he’d be further along socially if he weren’t an only child. Maybe he doesn’t feel welcome or worthy because he hasn’t been able practice conversation skills with a sibling.
When we came home, I started preparing dinner. Before I knew it, I began to cry. I was failing my son. So I hid my tears the best I could behind a simmering pot of spaghetti, Connor’s favorite Sunday dish. But Connor doesn’t miss a thing. As I was sniffling around the kitchen, Connor came up to me and said, “Don’t Cry, Mom. I’m With You.” I felt as though I was staring into the eyes of Christ himself. My petty worries were meaningless. My son knew better than anyone else his difficulties, his travails, and yet, as he told me in his next sentence “Mom, I’m happy. Don’t worry so much.”
You did great. Sometimes we can plan all we want and things do not work out. Our childen understand themselves and they will do things in their own good time. But this does not mean we do not keep trying and planning and organizing for them. We never know when that spark will ignite so just keep trying.
BTW who ever said our children were not empathetic never met your Connor. Now that is a great step forward. So you see something maybe even more important was accomplished that day.
Thanks, Elise. “Our childen understand themselves and they will do things in their own good time.” How encouraging! – Mae
My god, what a post! How intuitive they are, our little blessings-in-disguise!
You’re a good mama. I worry about the same stuff all the time. All we can do is our best and trust in that.
Thanks, Lisa. Yes, our children are remarkably perceptive, especially on the subject of their mamas! – Mae
Hi, saw you on the autisable site.
Hi Erica, Thanks for stopping by! – Mae
[...] Autism is not the Boss PDD-NOS mom Mae is, among other things, a volunteer parent mentor and quiet advocate for people with disabilities. She helps us remember that it’s not impossible to enjoy family life with autism in the mix. My current favorite entries are A mom think tank for autism? and “Don’t Cry Mom. I’m With You.” [...]
Maybe cubscouts is not for him? The trick is finding a balance whereby you accept your son and encourage without forcing him to be what he’s not. Perhaps he would prefer the time to himself, to engage in his interests. My son never took to cubscouts.
Eleizabeth, good advice, and yes, we did quit Scouts. What we learned/were confused about was that my son LIKED the scouting activities, but he DISLIKED the unstructured mayhem of kids being kids during activity downtime. The BSA offers a program called One Scout that we may take up. The One Scout program was developed for boys that live in rural areas that don’t have enough kids to form a den. We’re also looking into chess, sound mixing and other things he may enjoy more. – Mae