Education | Autism is Not the Boss

Archive for the ‘Education’ Topic

Goodbye, Mrs. Barnes. We’ll never forget all the good that you’ve done for our son.

Tuesday, June 1st, 2010

I was standing in the jewelry store during the last day of the school year, when the salesperson asked me politely, “May I help you?” I answered, “I am looking for a special gift for a special teacher, and it can’t be too fancy or she won’t accept it.” And then I burst into tears.

How could I possibly thank the woman who had been my son’s aide and academic lifeline for the past four years? How could a necklace or a locket or a cameo pin ever express our gratitude for her sweet and loving attention? Mrs. Barnes always seemed to know when to help Connor and when to fade back. She had the respect of both her general education peers and school administrators.

But most of all, she believed in our son.

She fought with us to have Connor spend 90% of his time in a gen ed class. She knew that with a little 1-to-1 tutoring he could participate in the same testing as his academic peers. She saw his gifts instead of his delays. She helped him course-correct when he was off-track, off-kilter or off-and-running in full-blown meltdown mode. She also encouraged him to give school his best effort, and she listened to what he had to say instead of telling him what to do.

And now that Connor will be going into fourth grade next year, she realized that it was important to break the bond that they had shared for so long. It was time. With tears in her eyes, she said, ” I can’t imagine my life without him. I love him so much, but it is time for him to move on.” And we agreed.

But it will never be the same without her. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

We wish you health, happiness and most of all, the opportunity for her to help yet another special little boy or girl the way she has helped ours.

Posted in Education, General Parenting | 1 Comment »

Autism and the Many Kindnesses of Others

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

We have become alarmingly accustomed to hearing the awful news about the mean and rotten things – bullying, discrimination and other abuses – that happen to autistic children. Yet, we don’t often talk about the many kindnesses – some big and some small – that go unrecognized and occur every single day in our children’s lives. Here are a few of my favorites:

- The school nurse. When Connor spilled something on his pants, he was taken to the nurse’s office for a temporary pair. Of course, the only thing that suited him were a pair of girls’ leggings. The nurse called me to tell me that she allowed Connor to wear girls’ clothing, not out of punishment, but because those were the ones he preferred. Connor has a lot of tactile sensory issues, so I wasn’t the least surprised that he would prefer soft, knitted pants. As it turned out, the girls’ leggings were gray in color and looked like sweatpants on our skinny little son, so it wasn’t at all as I had imagined — that my son was walking around his school in pink tights!

- Connor’s para. What an angel. She’s been with Connor for four years now, and understands him probably better than anyone, Steve and I included. There are far too many of her kindnesses to mention here, but the one thing that really touched us was how hard she worked with Connor to make sure he could perform with his classmates at his school concert. There were at least five new songs to learn, and many pauses and transitions within the skit-based program. In St. Louis, paras are not paid for after-school work, but she came to the concert to see how he did and to cheer him on. Of course Connor stood on the second row, hopped up and down on the riser (very cute, actually) and kept up with all of the other students.

- The lady on the rental car bus. We had just disembarked from a long flight, and were sitting on a crowed bus going to the rental car counter. Connor was having a very hard time, and I was fighting for patience. The woman sitting next to me leaned over to me and said, “I have been listening to people say that autism is a gift, and I would tend to agree with them. Still, it must be hard as a parent to reconcile those unique gifts with the parenting responsibility of overcoming a child’s social and sensory challenges.” Instantly, I became re-centered and balanced. I’m still not sure how she know Connor had autism, but her words were at once comforting and directive. Perhaps it’s no small wonder that this lady was also a Minister.

There are many stories like these, but I didn’t want to dilute their impact by writing too many at one time, so more to follow…and please feel free to send some of your own.

Tags: autism and kindness of others
Posted in Advocacy, Education, General Parenting | 1 Comment »

Autism and the Search for the Perfect Valentine

Friday, February 12th, 2010

It was time to prepare for the big third grade ‘Friendship Party.’ a nice euphemism for the elementary school version of the Valentine’s Day card/candy exchange. We only had a mere two days to go before the big event. So, having a half an hour to spare between the after-school pick-up and an important call with my agent, I decided to take Connor to the local pharmacy to look for the perfect classroom Valentine.

We started in the candy section. I pointed to some chocolate candy hearts. “How about these, Connor?” I asked.

“No. Those are not healthy,” said Connor.

Okay, no problem.

We continued along the candy aisle. “How about these candy-filled bags with hearts on the outside?” I suggested hopefully, looking at my watch and noticing that time was running short. Connor shook his head. And suggestion after suggestion, the answer was the same –no, no, no! We were both beginning to get frustrated. I had to get home for my call.

After another half an hour, we both had had it. Connor had begun to cry, and I was seething. I said, “Connor what DO you want in the perfect Valentine?”

He responded quite emphatically, ” I DON’T WANT TO SHOCK PEOPLE!”

Thinking that he didn’t want to give a Valentine that might cause him to be teased, I took him home and asked him to think about it.

Later that evening, while I was rummaging through his backpack, I found a note advising parents not to include any Valentine’s gifts with peanuts because there was a student in his class with severe peanut allergies. At last I understood what Connor was trying to tell me. Connor didn’t want to buy candy that had peanuts or was made in a factory that made peanut products — those could cause his classmate to go into anaphylactic ’shock.’

The next morning before school, we went to our local big-box discount store, and found Valentine’s Day cards and some lovely Valentine’s themed lollipops that were made in a peanut-free factory. Good job, Connor.

(Who says that children with autism are not considerate of others??!!! )

Happy Valentines Day, everyone!

Tags: autism and valentines, valentines day
Posted in Education, General Parenting | No Comments »

Quick Tips for Using Summertime to Prepare for the Next School Year

Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

Somewhere between finishing up your child’s summer homework packet and buying school supplies, don’t forget to add one more thing to your summer to-do list– preparing your child for the next school year. Here’s how to leverage a few minutes of summer downtime to prevent back-to-school anxiety and get your child off to a fast start when the new school year arrives this fall. (more…)

Tags: autism education
Posted in Education | 1 Comment »

Can Homework be Fun????!!!…

Monday, April 13th, 2009

Yes it can. It takes a bit of disguise and derring-do, but homework can be great fun for the entire family. How do I know? Pure panic and desperation.

All parents know that homework isn’t about learning academics, it’s about learning how to be a grown up. It’s about following through and fulfilling a commitment. And, oh what a tough lesson it is, especially when the commitment deadline falls on a beautiful day or a shoe sale.

If you’ve tried everything that the experts have told you to do regarding good homework practices – like making sure your child has enough rest, a set time for homework, a set place for homework, no known other learning disabilities, good lighting, a full tummy– and none of it seems to be working, then here are a few desperation-generated alternatives:

1. Powerful incentives. This one never fails…Absolutely no Wii until at least one page of homework is finished, and then and only then can the reluctant student play all 32 time trial races.

2. Creative competition. An irresistible challenge does wonders. Try this on your homework-avoidant offspring: “Sweetie, can you finish your math facts before Mom finishes packing your lunch?” (For this to work, make sure your child always wins, even if it takes you an hour and a half to make a sandwich).

3. Spelling word Pictionary. After his turn to draw on our whiteboard, my son always blurts out the answer before anyone has a chance to guess. This can work in your favor…make up a rule so that whoever answers first has to spell the word!

4. Taking turns being the teacher. It is quite comical to see how a child interprets his teacher’s mannerisms. Through Connor’s outstanding mimicry, we discovered what a kind and loving teacher he has this year, and what a wonderfully stern taskmaster she can be when children misbehave. You go, Mrs. C!

5. Think yucky. Anything that eats its young, drops its tail and excretes poison through scaly and/or slimy skin is an irresistible come-on to a reading-averse youngster. Make sure you have lots of books about reptiles and amphibians to help meet those 1/2 an hour per day reading requirements.

6. Be relevant. Keep in mind that an assignment that involves writing a paragraph or a story can be about ANYTHING. A favorite movie, a video game or an unusual episode, such as the curious incident of how our dog ate her own yurp (see #5 above) all work just fine. Just get the darn thing written.

7. Go on Vacation. Why homework is fun on vacation but not at home eludes me, but my son loves to do homework on an airplane. Hurray for fare wars!

….And if all else fails, put the responsibility back on his or her shoulders. One afternoon, I threw up my hands, and said, “Son, I’ve tried everything I know to get you to do your homework. If you don’t want to do it, I can’t make you. The consequences are in your hands now — it is up to you and only you if you want to move up to third grade, or to behave like a big boy or to help the teachers who have been trying to help you.” Then, I cried (but I didn’t want to lay a guilt trip on him, so I did my sniffling in another room). After about five minutes, he came to the kitchen table, sat down and began to complete his homework. I can’t say that this works every time – it doesn’t – but it gave me a glimpse of the man my son will grow up to be.

Tags: homework, parenting
Posted in Can Homework Be Fun?, Education | 2 Comments »

Valentines, signatures and advice for the pincer-grip challenged

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009

When it came time to write Valentines in kindergarten, Connor couldn’t write his classmates’ names small enough to fit on those teensie-tiny little cards. For those who are similarly pincer grip and fine-motor challenged, my husband came up with the perfect solution. First, he had Connor write every one of his classmates’ first and last names and his own signature on a single piece of paper. Then, I took the paper of his classmates’ names, scanned it and then resized the image so that it was roughly 1/3 of its original size. I scanned his signature, resized the image and then replicated it 23 times for each Valentine.

Connor then cut out each name and one copy of his signature. Then, he glued it to the Valentines. Unfortunately, Carter was not happy with the result. The glue was messy and the glue stick was ineffective on the slick-faced card stock. Carter came up with the idea to tape the names, which he did with a little help from us.

Mission accomplished. It might sound a bit laborious, but we as a team were able to deliver handwritten, hand-signed Valentines that met his teacher’s (and much more difficult, my son’s) expectations. The pincer grip came about six months later!

Tags: autism, Education, homework, OT, pincer-grip, writing
Posted in Education, Handwriting | 2 Comments »

A bad day doesn’t stop us from going to school

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009

One morning no matter how hard I tried, my son would not put a shoe or a sock on his right foot. After an hour of wailing, meltdowns, time outs, bribes and begging, I gave up. I decided to walk to school per our usual routine, albeit with my five-year old partially barefoot. Undaunted, I led the procession with broom in hand to sweep away bits of broken glass, splinters or bird droppings that could be dangerous to his naked toes. Keep in mind that my son wanted to go to school so badly that he was willing to walk in with one shoe. Although I felt ridiculous, and I’m sure he did, too, I was quite proud of both of us.

As we entered the school, the principal and the social worker saw us, so I explained that no, I wasn’t trying to punish or humiliate my son by making him walk to school with only one shoe on; it was simply the only way I could get him to go to school. When we reached his classroom, his teacher told me I’d have to go back to the school office and sign him in because she had already listed him as absent. Back we went.

When I got to the office, the school administrator told me I’d have to fill out a special form to explain my son’s tardiness. By this time, I had had it, “Look, I’ve just had a one and half hour meltdown with my child. He is only wearing one shoe today and he can’t me tell why; I don’t know if his shoes are too little, or if he has an ingrown toenail, or if he is just being difficult. He’s only ten minutes tardy, he wanted to go straight to class, and the principal said for me to go ahead and escort him to the classroom, and then the teacher sent us back here.” Thankfully, she said she’d take care of it. She must have been an imperfect mom, too.

I immediately went to the store to buy five pairs of shoes. Surely something would fit him and appeal to his fashion sense. I prayed that they would not be perceived as ‘too fancy.’ I also talked the school social worker into putting in a word on our behalf with the kindergarten teacher, who was supremely miffed that I’d enter her classroom unannounced and ten minutes late with a one-shoed child. Finally, I called the school nurse to check out my son to see if one of his toes might be infected or broken. Of course, I was also twenty minutes late with my call to one of the partners of my consulting firm.

Sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes for yourself and for your child, including suspending the rule of consistency and discipline. I think both mom and child need to be cut some slack occasionally.

I’m sure you have at least a million stories like mine, so knowing that there are other moms capable of incredibly difficult, stupid or downright confusing moments. Keep smiling, and do remember to give your child (and his rapidly growing little feet) the benefit of the doubt.

Tags: autism, Education, parenting, school
Posted in A Bad Day Doesn't Stop Us from Going to School, Education | No Comments »

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