Many moms go through a tipping point around the time their children reach elementary school. It is the dawning realization that, “It’s not about what I want. It’s about my child having a  life of self-determination and fulfillment based upon his own unique talents and preferences.” Slowly, we learn to accept our children for the wonderful people they are, and  not the ones we expect them to be from our own narrow set of experiences. For some of us, it can be a hard lesson to learn, and I’m still learning.

As an example, last year I felt the need to apologize to Connor because I bungled I prime opportunity to show my support for him. Instead, that support came from two of his classmates. These two very special people, Katie and Quentin, partnered with my son to make a new and frightening experience much more tolerable. In karate class, Katie never protested when Connor  kept touching her hair and trying to draw her into conversation during class exercises. When the instructor, a stranger, attempted to put a martial arts belt on him, Connor ran to the back of the gym and Quentin followed him to bring him back to the activities.

I, on the other hand, kept signalling Connor to  shh, don’t-do-that, pay-attention, stop-touching-her-hair and put-your-belt-on-right-now. Me bad. I should have picked a better time, a time when my son wasn’t so frightened.

As parents, we need to learn to expect kindness and courtesy from other children, and to trust in their value as peer mentors. What I found so wonderful about Katie and Quentin’s actions were that they were also true friends of Connor, just the way he was – autism and all. In the scary world where bullying is an all-too-frequent occurrence, it was a healthy reminder that most children are kind, considerate, and understand/accept our kiddos far more than we realize.

Tackling weighty  problems like autism causes, treatments, health care, education and employment is a big job, and thank goodness we have teams of scientists, legislators, economists and the entire autism community to help.  But in the meantime, I think we could use a mom think tank to weigh in  on issues related to the Everyday Parenting Challenges of Autism (EPCA).   

In theory, the EPCA think tank would have its own identity.  Maybe we’d even have our own flag.  And, we’d align ourselves with key sponsors, preferably those that specialize in skincare and designer handbags!  And we’d meet someplace interesting and have a big summit to brainstorm solutions to EPCA challenges. I’d want  topics to include things like:

 How to effectively let your spouse know how to contact you and where to find food while you are away.  It is not easy for the poor dear to forage for dinner while being a single parent to an over-stimulated child in full meltdown mode.  Posting this information on the refrigerator simply isn’t sufficient when reason and logic  leave the building.

Songs to sing over the phone while traveling to calm the aforementioned child-in-meltdown, thus giving the aforementioned spouse the time  to call, eat or sit down.  My favorite is TEENY, TINY Valentine, but it is losing its effectiveness, and I’ve had to resort to Fergie’s Fergalicious.  I could use some new material.

How not to get impatient when in a hurry, and a child refuses to walk faster than a snail on Valium. I hear mothers of neurotypicalchildren wail against dawdling.   Dawdling would be an amazing improvement at our house.  I’m tempted to carry my son to speed things along, but then all my in-home parent training would collapse and I’d have to start all over again.

How to teach a child to trust that his body will float in the water; or that getting on a horse isn’t horrible or that eating a grape won’t kill him.  Swimming, horse and nutritional therapies don’t cover fear.

But most of all, I’d like to brainstorm ideas for how to motivate a child with autism to keep going and not give up. Reading, speaking, socializing and studying can be very hard work.  Therapy, tutoring and other interventions can help, but when society throws that tantalizing excuse of low expectations at our kiddos, I want to scream.  I would like to learn how other moms instill in their children an unshakable belief in themselves and a desire to do their best.

Must get kids off to school.  Must get paperwork finished for triennial evaluation.  Must learn about assistive technology for screening next week.  Must schedule conference call, business trip and finish presentation for consulting client(s). Must blog, vlog, mentor, report. Must get birthday card, work out,  participate in subdivision garage sale, do laundry/housework/yard work/grocery shopping, take dog to vet.  Must…keep going…. (more…)