My parents recently confessed that that they always wanted to help out with our son, but weren’t sure what to do. They felt particularly helpless during the early years when Connor was newly diagnosed and we were still trying to find our way with Autism. They are not alone. Many parents, neighbors and friends stand on the sidelines or walk on eggshells fearing that they will say or do the wrong thing. If only these parents and friends knew how much we needed them during that difficult time (and how much we still need them now). Maybe this list of DO’s and DON’Ts will give them the guidelines and the confidence to step forward:
DO: Ask questions. We won’t be offended. We’d like to share what we know, and we’re just like any other parent — we want to brag about our children’s victories and commiserate about their setbacks. If you don’t ask questions, chances are that we’ll assume that you either a) think we are overreacting and that our kids will ‘grow out of autism’ b) you don’t care or c) you think we aren’t doing enough to help our children (see below).
DON’T: Judge. Believe me, we question ourselves every step of the way. Why did I do this? Why didn’t I do that? What could I do better? This mantra gets me through at least 100 sit-ups.
DO: Be respectful of our time. Go see so-and-so and you need to read this are typically not helpful unless they come from another mom or dad with a child on the spectrum or a professional, like an educator, doctor or attorney. First of all, we probably have already read most of the generic literature, news and advice on autism. Secondly, you might’ve just sent us off on a wild goose chase to bond with someone we don’t care to know. I once spent three hours of time I didn’t have tracking down a therapist suggested by a well-meaning family member only to find out the ’therapist’ went out of business two years before.
DON’T: Under-estimate our children. Ever. Or we will inflict bodily harm get really, really angry.
DO: Help us be vigilant. Our kids can run faster than jackrabbits when eloping from sensory overload. Help us keep them safe from dashing into traffic, wandering away from home, falling into unsupervised swimming pools or talking to strangers. Maybe then, we could trust you to watch them for just a little while while we grab a quick nap. (You wonder why we often won’t let our kids out of our sight…let me tell you, after finding my child tied to a chair during a mom’s day out program or witnessing his first seizure…well, I’m sure you get the picture. Bear with us).
DO: Bring dinner! It would be worth a call first to check and see if there are any dietary restrictions, but PLEASE bring dinner. Just ring the doorbell and drop it off on the front porch with a nice note, kind of like those lovely church ladies do when someone gets back from the hospital. The all-hands-on-deck time from 4:30 in the afternoon to bedtime is chaos. Overly-tired children, cranky husbands, dogs that need walking and telemarketing calls from vendors who don’t check the do-not-call-lists make dinner time more like disaster time. So, please drop off dinner, send an encouraging email, or offer to run a few errands for us–and you’ll help more than you know!
