Okay, I admit it. My normally sunny, positive disposition occasionally suffers (spirals?) into an abyss of self-doubt, despair and worry. When I get that way, I have a gift I can rely on time and time again… I’ve learned the value of a parent mentoring chain. Continue reading this post »
The Value of a Parent Mentoring Chain
September 4th, 2009Walks ‘N Talks
August 30th, 2009It’s easy to go on family outings –a bike ride, a hike or a field trip. But what if you could make those activities super-duper fun? Recently we had the opportunity to turn my husband and son’s after-dinner stroll into a BIG ADVENTURE. Continue reading this post »
Snappy Comebacks to “Why Can’t You Control Your [Screaming] Child?”
August 23rd, 2009It really doesn’t help when strangers deliver stinging comments like “Can’t you control your child?” or “Can’t you hear your child screaming?” while you are otherwise engaged in simultaneously 1) figuring out what’s causing him to scream/misbehave 2) avoiding injury to yourself, the environment and your offspring and 3) trying to calm down the noisy little one. One way I’ve found to nip the comments of others in the bud is to develop a short-list of ready-made responses.
Snappy Comebacks to “Can’t you hear (control) your screaming child?”
1. “My child is on the autism spectrum. It is a complicated disease, and my son cannot help the way he is acting.” Mature and sensible, this approach works when you have a few minutes to spare for follow-up dialogue, which means you will rarely ever use it. Please see below for alternatives.
2. “I’m deaf.” My friend Ashley uses this one all the time to cut off these rude strangers at the pass. I never had the courage to use it.
3.“There are forces in play here that you cannot possibly understand.” I have been dying to try this one accompanied by a sinister waggling of my eyebrows, but haven’t been daring enough to do so.
4. “Sorry, I can’t talk now; my child is having a meltdown.” Brief and to the point, yet polite. It is a favorite among all of the moms we’ve talked to.
5-6. “He’s really hungry.” Wimpy, but it works. The only problem is that you have to somehow scoop the child up and take him somewhere where there is presumably food. In essence, you are cutting short your activity and making up excuses to accommodate the judgment of others. Alternatives such as, “she’s really tired” also work well, but are equally cowardly. I used these frequently before receiving Connor’s diagnosis. I have become much more assertive since then.
7. Yes, but I choose not to. I’m letting him work it out on his own. Thank you for thinking of us, and I apologize for disturbing you.” A polite way of saying mind-your-own-business, but also verifying that you have a reason for what you’re doing. It also protects the child by not using autism as an excuse, if you have not yet told your child about his autism diagnosis.
8. If I have the time, I try patiently to explain, but the problem with this approach is that I won’t be heard over the din of screaming and flying objects, even if I am prepared to be pithy. The Autism Speaks Organization has a button that you can order online to say, “I’m Not Misbehaving. I have Autism,” but I have a hard time asking my son to wear one all the time, especially since his meltdowns are now few and far between, and I know that he values his privacy.
9. Ignore them.This takes more self-discipline than I have.
10. And finally, I try to remember that many people still just don’t understand autism. I try not to be too hard on them.
What to Expect from an Autism Center Evaluation – Part II
August 15th, 2009After our first visit to our new Autism Center (see What to Expect from an Autism Center Evaluation Part I), we returned a month later to regroup with the psychologist and a developmental pediatrician (OD). The OD gave our son a neurological evaluation and observed his language, social skills and behaviors.
After the neurological evaluation, a office nurse played with our son in another room while the psychologist and the OD reviewed all of the test results to date and collaborated with us on recommended next steps. As it turned out, my son’s original PDD-NOS diagnosis was updated to high functioning autism with an attention deficit disorder. The topics we covered in the post-evaluation results conference were comprehensive and included: Continue reading this post »
Leveraging Your Spouse’s Strengths…and Weaknesses
August 10th, 2009Little did I know that the things that drive me crazy about my spouse (and vice versa) would turn out to be terrific assets for parenting a child with autism. My husband and I have found we can actually divide and conquer parenting responsibilities based upon our own less-than-stellar abilities. Try it!
1. Who is the most laid-back? In our case, my husband has a live-and-let-live attitude. A perfect job for him is to work on social facilitation during our son’s group outings (like cub scouts). Whereas I tend to hover, my dear husband is able to step in at just the right time. He also gets along fabulously with the other dads.
2. Who is the most uptight? That would me. And that’s okay, because I can redirect that energy elsewhere. I am a meticulous researcher and form filler-outer; both important skills when raising a child with autism.
3. Who is the worst student? It’s a tie! My husband detests reading anything except the sports pages, but he seems to know how to get our son to practice reading by making it fun. On the other hand, I made it through high school geometry by the skin of my teeth, so I wind up on math homework duty by drawing picture-based math problems.
4. Who is the worst athlete? Me again. Steve may be able to hit a golf ball 300 yards, but he is a lousy coach because his body does naturally what the rest of us have to practice at the gym for years. I, on the other hand, drop the ball as often as my son does, so I’m very non-threatening to our little guy, who knows that he can beat me after a few tries at a new physical skill. I’m also a leftie, like my son, we we tend to do everything backwards and upside down!
After the Autism Diagnosis: A Grieving Process or an Adjustment Process?
August 3rd, 2009In the current climate of understated research findings, referenced by the much-publicized, but not-so-startling discovery that “autism is stressful for parents,” I would like to join in the trend of groundbreaking underestimation. Ready? Here goes….Autism is an adjustment process. Yep, you heard it here, in all of its lack of clarity and definition. Autism is an adjustment.
And I like the phrase. Adjustment is a much more positive descriptor than the alternatives my husband and I heard when we first learned about our son’s diagnosis. Phrases we heard were autism is a grieving process, or a he’ll-grow-out-of-it process, or for the disenchanted, hell on earth.
Grieving, with its related denial, anger and sadness, seems to be most similar to what many parents feel as they begin to wrap their heads, arms and hearts around autism. But unlike grieving, there is no finality, because we don’t know when or even if autism will end. And more importantly, do we really want to grieve for our child? No! We want to celebrate him for the wonderful, atypically-normal little boy that he is. Those of us with children on the spectrum know exactly what I’m talking about. Our children are quirky and they do need extra help, but first and foremost, they are kids, and we love ‘em.
So we learn to adjust. All of us. Parents, teachers, the community and our own children.
Let’s hear it for understatement.
What do Children with Autism Think About?
July 24th, 2009What does my son think about during those times when he’s in his own little world? Is he lonely? Is he sad? Is he processing the events of the day? Or is he memorizing again – maybe pii to the 40th decimal or the names of all the American Presidents by state, by party and by hair color?
I know Connor’s thoughts are a private matter. I also realize what all parenting coaches advise, “Parents shouldn’t try to own their children’s pain; they should let them work it out on their own.” But that doesn’t seem fair since my son is only now getting to a point where he can talk about his feelings.
I just need to know that he’s isn’t unhappy. I used to worry about that day and night – far too much – but I couldn’t help myself. And then I read a book. A wonderful children’s book called In My Mind: Through the Eyes of Autism by Adonya Wong, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t quite as worried anymore. Because Adonya doesn’t know what’s going on in her son’s head, either, but she thinks his thoughts are good, happy and full of wonderful ideas. And I believe her.
In My Mind: The World through the Eyes of Autism by Adonya Wong
“In my mind, I see many colors, bright like a rainbow,
shooting about like comets in a night sky.”
Take a closer look. What do you see?
In My Mind explores the inner world of an autistic child –
the world that no one else can see.
From exciting adventures to silly games and conversations with friends, look closely
and see how a child with autism sees the world; and how the world sees him. www.throughtheeyesofautism.com
